Ffffffff yessssss

New origami paper came in!  Life, I love it.

Making origami all day

So that when I remember how vile a creature I am I can at least say that something beautiful came from such awful hands.

It’s been a wonderful Christmas

Really, it has.  But I’m going to father’s house soon.  Goodbye wonderful Christmas… goodbye.

And these are the moments I won’t forget…

• May 5th, my 16th birthday.  Both of my parents secretly sent flowers to the school.  They were both beautiful bouquets.  And my dad got me a giant hello kitty birthday card.  So simple, but it made my day.  Oh, and who can forget the Variety Show put on by our Theatre company?  Lady Guy Guy, you will live on forever.
• That day my mum told me Jake tried to kill himself.  Redondo Pier, me on the phone, it was night, and my mom is telling me “Jacob tried to hang himself… he succeeded”.  Oh god, I felt so stranded.  Stuck in California while my brother was being rushed to the hospital.  Oh god.
• Holding my mum in the hospital awaiting Jake’s surgery, not sure if he was going to make it.  She was a wreck.  The whole family was there.  And I was sitting on the floor, comforting her, telling her he had to make it.  That he didn’t survive this far to die on us now.
• Those days mum let me skip school to visit Jake.  Riding the hour train ride, meeting mum at the station.  Then spending the day with that beautiful kid I’m lucky enough to call my brother.
• Powderpuff game with Jed.  That was the first time since the accident I had done anything for myself.  The first time I didn’t fake happiness, but was truly and sincerely happy. 

2010, you’ve been hell.  But I’ve learned a lot.  And I will not forget you.

I’ve been watching Canadian television for the past couple hours

I need to get a life.

A new year…

And yet, nothing new will come my way. Maybe I’ll try to be okay with that. Yes, I’m going to try. And maybe I’ll come to terms with being forever alone. Yes.

Happy New Year!

New Years Resolution… A couple days late.

I’m not big on this whole thing, but it’s a good enough excuse to make some changes. This year I’m going to try to not hate myself. This includes trying not to beat myself up over the little things, accepting compliments, and allowing myself to look in the mirror without saying how much of a monster I am. It’s worth a shot right?

Dear Dad,

I hate you. No, I’m not just being a typical teenager. No, I won’t grow out of it. You are a truly disgusting being. Being around you is toxic. And the way you treat that beautiful brother of mine. As if the simple fact he’s still alive isn’t good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough for you father. Jacob will never be a precious, beautiful being to you. And that fact alone makes me despise you. I love that kid. With every bone in my aching body, and to know that you don’t… God, I hate you.

Found an old journal of mine

I’m encountering phrases like “I’m not the type of girl people care about”, “I’m a truly ugly person”, and “I can’t do anything right, all my friends secretly hate me”. Good to know nothing has changed over the years.

My great grandpa died this weekend

And I’m more upset about having to spend time with my family at the funeral than I am about him being dead. I’m a truly awful person.

Today was lovely.

So why am I sitting in my room, overwhelmed by a sudden sadness and overwhelming sense of loneliness?

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for our age. Reblog this if you’re there to listen to anyone who needs to talk.